Monday, March 18, 2013
SOL#19 - march 19th
We are getting freezing rain reports and have been all night (I am writing this at 10 pm Monday). I don't know what the morning will bring but I am already worried.
Freezing rain had been threatened most of the day and I had been watching the weather throughout the school day. At 3 pm, the snowflakes started. I was on prep so I got my things ready to go home. I get anxious with reports of snow and freezing rain. I have never had a full-blown anxiety attack, but I have come close.
Twenty-eight years ago I fell asleep behind the wheel of a car, rolled to the side of the road and then, when I was jarred awake, I pulled the car back onto the road, causing it to roll across the highway. My daughter still has the scars across her forehead and I still suffer from the whiplash I received. But we were very lucky. We had been moving from Alberta back to Ontario and had been driving for 24 hours straight. My husband
( now my ex thank God), refused to stop in Winnipeg where I had family.
It took me a year before I drove again. But the fear was there and still exerts its ugly hold on me. I cannot drive on major highways (like the 401). I find it difficult to drive to new places. It takes many repetitions before I am comfortable with the new route. I know my children always were upset because I couldn't drive some places. I tried to find alternatives for them,
Even today, my husband does all the driving when we go anywhere, especially on a long trip. It is hard on him I know, but the fear is so deep, I cannot drive. He is very understanding - he has never forced me to do what I feel I cannot do.
So back to the freezing rain. When the weather turns bad, I can feel the fear rising. I have driven at times with other teachers to work and I have called in sick - as I usually have a migraine by this time.
I know I am a good driver, I know my 1/2 hour route to school, but the fear is always there when the weather is iffy.
I say a prayer every time I get in the car - to be surrounded by angels, to be protected.
I wish I could be different and just get in the car and drive. I have thought of taking another driving course but I have not been able to force myself to.
Hopefully, the morning will not be as bad as I am imagining now.